|Category: Anime, Gundam Wing, Yaoi, Poetry
Warnings: shonen ai, maybe slight angst, sap
Hidoi Higure (Cruel Twilight)
Thunder rumbles menacingly, shaking my foundation
as I drown beneath the heavy onslaught of wetness and thoughts.
My hair is plastered to my cheeks like a second, dark skin
and the fat droplets are making patterns on the puddles,
complex rhythms my eyes try in vain to follow
in an attempt to distract my stubborn mind.
Lightning flashes, illuminating the storm-swept sky and I close my eyes;
the light is too bright, reminding me of his intense gaze,
the way he stares at me, eyes boring straight to my soul.
I ran as I'd once said I would. He knew I would fly, nothing to protect,
against the surge of emotions he caused in me.
There was no reason to stay and fight a battle I had no chance of winning;
a cruel game of roulette, all the chambers loaded and I the first to go.
If I'd had the smallest ray of hope to shine through my black foreboding,
I might have stayed.
Wind rushes past the rain heavy leaves of a nearby Oak tree, reaching me
and drilling into my bones. I want to form a cocoon of warmth with my arms,
but I long for it to be his heat warming me; his arms rather than mine.
My eyes burn, and I let my arms fall limp and lifeless at my sides,
wrapping myself in the cold rather than my own warmth.
I greet the chill like a cheerful hostess, to make itself comfortable,
letting it settle in my body, replacing my mental pain with it's ice.
Hot tears scorch my eyes and I tilt my head back,
letting the downpour wash them off my cheeks, a baptism washing away my sins.
I was a fool to love him, but I was swept away by a river of desire,
unable to fight the powerful current that carried me to him.
I wish he'd been caught in the same torrential flood that I was.
Knowing him, though, it wouldn't matter if he had been caught with me.
I can imagine him calmly producing a grappling hook from thin air,
pulling himself out and not noticing as I am washed away.
Sometimes I think he must be as emotionless as he seems,
that complete lack of expression on his smooth stone face.
Like a statue of Adonis, he is perfect to look upon but hell to love.
Shaking now, I sink to my knees on the wet ground,
my saturated clothing unable to soak up any more of the liquid
as the rain continues to fall. I close my eyes and let out a keening cry.
My skin is so numb that I can't help wishing my heart could be the same;
I want to stop loving him. If only I hadn't told him,
then I could have stayed where he was, watching him if nothing else.
I've done that for so long it has become an obsession,
like the man who will sit for hours waiting for one glimpse of a rare bird.
I was watching him when I told my secret.
He was typing away on his most faithful companion;
that bloody laptop that is always with him, it's screen laughing at me
when I try to get his attention, clicking of the keys driving me insane.
Fidgeting in the silence, I started to mess absent-mindedly with my hair,
then he looked up. Maybe it was the way his hard expression seemed to soften
as his eyes fell on me, maybe that is what caused me to do the unthinkable.
Of its own accord, my mouth opened and the words flowed out,
a nonexistent wind rising to sweep them to him before I could call them back.
'I love you.'
Head bowed as my salty tears find passage over damp cheeks,
I remember how his face had closed up, like a door slamming shut.
As if I were in a dream where my body ignores my commands,
I couldn't move. We stared, deep cobalt-blue eyes holding me hostage.
Then he blinked, and I ran.
Shoulders trembling as if I am a leaf caught in the wind, I cry,
my arms finally moving sluggishly to wrap around myself.
The numbness creeps over me, I don't notice the pressure on my shoulder,
not looking up until I feel a hand beneath my chin.
Flinching, I cannot meet his gaze, so intense it hurts.
The storm hasn't let up, and the thunder is loud, drowning his native tongue.
I don't believe what I think I heard, surely a manifestation of my hopes.
Then he says it again, in that voice I've grown to love.
'No baka, ai shiteru.'
I can't believe it, I won't. I shake my head, still wincing from his intensity.
'Omae wa ore no mono da.'
Warmth fills me as I am pulled to my feet, strong arms enfolding me as I cry.
'Daijoubu ka ?' His voice barely reaches me, hidden against his chest.
At first I can't answer,
my throat constricted as more tears fall, hitting his shirt.
As if struggling to wake, my mind swims to what he said,
then I let out a sharp laugh, holding him as tightly as I can.
I am more than alright, as I feel his hand on the back of my head.
He may think I am his now, but all I can do is laugh, he is finally mine.
'Hai,' I say again, voice soft as I look up at him.
I'm ready to go home.